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My Cesarean Poem

My Cesarean Poem

I had a cesarean

I didn't want one

I wanted a baby

All wet and messy

Plopped onto my bare chest

To comfort in his first moment

By the stroke of my hand

And a nuzzle at my breast

 

I had a cesarean

All betadine and beeping machines

And anonymous blue masks

Seeing my insides

And me- numb to my toes

With no feeling

 

Except heartbreak

 

My plans

And my dreams

Were betrayed

By the orange label

Attached to my chart

Code for "high risk"

 

I didn't feel high risk

I hated that label

 

Who are these people

Did you start?

I'm here!  I'm here!  Why is

No one talking to me?

I hear my baby cry, my baby cry

But can't see MY BABY

My baby, my baby, someone bring me

My baby

No answers

No explanation

I am alone

Except for the blue masks

Putting my insides back in.

 

He was brought to me

Already clean and wrapped

And frantic

I couldn't even hold him

I'm sure it is not what he expected

Either.

 

Then the blood

Then the pain

My belly no longer full of baby

Grew distended with air

 

"It doesn't matter now"  woman #1 said

"I had three cesareans, they are no big deal" bitch #2 said

"Your sister sprang right back"  my mother said

(My sister was 19)

 

I have flashbacks

Like a war vet

And a sadness that

No one wants to hear about

And pain.

 

It does matter

It is a big deal

It is a mourning

I had a cesarean

I didn't want one.

 

                   -Barbara Stratton

                    Mom to Charlie born 1999 by cesarean section

                    Comments to the author WomanCareDoula@Comcast.net